It took me 3 hours to drag myself out of bed this morning, I could hear the world around me moving and I felt paralysed. As ever I was 40 mins late to work, problem is apart from feeling like a let down I don’t care about anything.
My issue in life is guilt, most of what I do is out of guilt, not out of longing or wanting or seeing hope in it. I work in the company I work for because of guilt, I’m helping people I know out (though I’m sure now they feel I’m more of a liability than a help), I live in London out of guilt.. I should be near my family .. my parents aren’t getting younger, it’s got to a point where seeing friends has come out of guilt.
Yesterday I’d made plans to see a friend who’s been a little down lately, once I’d organised this outting that tbh I didn’t want to be part of but felt if she’s down I should be there for her, I got a message from another friend saying she’d like to escape and go out and plz take her out. I obviously invited her to join our outting to which she said no, and I felt shit.
I know i can’t rip myself in to 2, and I know i cant b there for everyone. But at the same time, I’m wishing someone would be there for me so hate it wen I fail to see that a friend is hurting or am unable to be there for them i feel like a let down.
As usual, I’m the last person on my friends’ agenda.. yesterday i got a message from a friend about an issue she’s having so I replied and suggested she come out too knowing full well the other girl would leave early as she has an early rise in the morning. The response I got was ‘will let you know when im done with wat I’m doing’. 3 hours later I got nothing so I messaged and said ‘whats the plan?’ she didn’t reply for about 15 mins then sent the odd message every now and then never actually answering the Q of whether or not she was coming. Finally I find out she decided to change plans and just go home to curl up and watch a movie, her excuse: thought u were gonna message me? I sent her the text she sent me and she said ‘yes i did arrange to meet you but changed’.
I know to a normal person it happens and no issue, but the day before this I had talked to her about how alone Ive been feeling and how people don’t really bother with me and sit with me but pay more attn to their fones than to me and im sat RIGHT there! so ud think she’d take care the next day NOT to do the same to me!
Also, Ive seen her with her phone it’s tattooed to her hand, when Im with her she’s on it all the time, when I message her takes ages to reply though I know she’s replying or replied to others, sometime mutual friends will say something that tells me she’s just messaged me.
She doesn’t have a duty to care, but she’s my closest friend, when I first told her I was feeling alone and felt i could talk to no one she got hurt and insulted. But since then she’s not said a word or tried and constantly blows me off to c other friends and then strings me along ‘yeah we’ll meet at 8’ then 7pm ‘listen can we do later? can u make other plans and I’ll tell u when im done and ill meet you somewhere’ it’s like I have to plan my social life to fit in to her constantly changing life none of which prioritises me…
I feel hurt…. I feel alone…. and I know it seems childish but there’s no1 I can turn to… no1 cares