I survived work today…. on the whole it went ok… I didn’t spend the whole day imagining ways I cud kill myself or hurt myself…. So on the whole it was positive.
amazing that the levels I use to show if the days’ have been good r how much time I spend imagining myself dead or maimed. is cannot tell u the number of times I’ve seen myself hanging from lamp posts in the st, or lying on the floor covered in my own blood from self harm, to most ppl I’m sure it just sounds like I’m insane n shut b sectioned, but those moments bring me great release, I feel pressure oozing away n feel content….momentarily then I realise its in my head n life must continue.
If I’m honest with u I’ve started this blog as a kind of journal, as companion, a friend. I remember as a teen I had a diary and it genuinely kept me sane and helped me clear my mind. With this I’m aware it’s public, so need to get used to it. U may ask y I chose a public medium rather than my note book hidden in the depth of my room, there r a number of reasons:
1. I feel alone, a public profile is making me feel there r ppl out there who r interested/feel the same
2. In a weird way I may help someone who’s read this feel they’re not alone
3. My family n friends hold a huge stigma towards suicide, to them it’s the cowards way, it’s unGodly, I don’t think some even believe I’ve attempted suicide because its something that is such a NO NO to them. In a sense I’m trying to get an online surrogate family/friends who won’t b so judgemental. It’s also a way for me not to disappoint them n try to reign in my suicidal tendencies n depression.
is it just me or does any1 else who’s attempted suicide and failed feel like a failure? For me it’s something else I’ve been unable to achieve, I can’t get it right…. I survived…. Even wen I spoke to my Dr about yet she was flabbergasted, her mouth dropped to the ground when she heard I’d survived and hadn’t received medical attn to help recover.
Obviously my body wants to survive but my heart and mind are done with life….. In their own way they’ve shut down and doin the minimal just to survive every moment of every day… n yes, to me survival on a ‘good’ day is just not planning my death at every moment!