I’m back and I’m feeling worse

So it’s the new year.. January tends to be a hard month for me… I really don’t know why… part of it is S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) the horrible winter weather, lack of sufficient daylight.. and this year the gale force winds that howl and wake me…

I think every year the new year is a reminder of my lack of progression… the fact ANOTHER year has passed and I have nothing to show for my years on this earth.. just disappointment and a bunch of people who, if you scratch the surface, hate me… or find me disappointing.. family included.

After 5 years and 8 months in a job I’ve despised and have complained about nonstop I walked out. I couldn’t take it any more. The fights. The moods I’d get in to because of work. The suicidal thoughts at work. The lack of appreciation. Hard as I tried, and though I’ve reformed the place I was being treated like I’d not done enough .. or well. This wasn’t a job I wanted. I’d taken it to help … and then got sucked in and stuck.

One fight too many and I walked out… I now go in on occasion when I’m needed… desperately.. even then I go in do what needs doing and walk out. being there brings back the stress… then negative sentiment… the misery..

For ages I was happy.. I spent 2-3 months confident of my ability to get a suitable job, I know for the past 5.5+ years I’ve been working in a different field to that I enjoy/have trained for/ want to work in.. but experience is experience and I should be able to transfer it. HOW WRONG WAS I? 100 job applications later I’ve been to 1 interview, received numerous rejections and even more replies of silence.

5 months on it’s getting to me. I can hardly get out of bed every day. I gave up my life for people and now have nothing. You may say I was stupid to do that, but I had no choice, you’d have done the same in the circumstances. And I expect the pressure of being unemployed (still) will increase from next week!

I don’t know what to do.

People are shocked that I’ve been so unsuccessful. I’ve had them check my applications/covering letter/CV. Made changes that have been suggested. Still nothing. I’ve applied for everything… relevant jobs to jobs to tied me over… and nothing..

Today’s been particularly hard because friends who’ve not been looking for jobs as long as I have started their new jobs… some after only 2 job applications. Others have been successful where I have failed even though I completed their application for them, their ideas my words and additions.

I feel thoroughly jinxed… I’m not important enough for the world to be out to get me.. but I believe in Karma.. I just cannot pinpoint where I have been so evil that I deserve this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel, but neither have I ever gone out of my way to upset/hurt people. In fact in the last 5 months of being unemployed I’ve filled my time with charity work including self-financed trips abroad to deliver humanitarian aid.

I am thankful for the position I have in the world.. in many way I’m truly fortunately. But in others I couldn’t be more jinxed!

I cannot take more of this and to be honest not sure how long I can hold out and keep applying.. I now read job descriptions and have the attitude ‘there’s no hope for me’ and don’t apply. My luck is so bad that I’ve contacted career services who haven’t helped me until I spent a month complaining about their service! My friend used the same service and got the help she requested almost immediately!

Honestly I’m despairing… I’ve lost hope…. and if I eat any more I may explode!


I’m back.. and miserable

I know you missed me… been away trying to get ‘bttr’ that worked great..


I know i suffer from S.A.D (seasonal affected disorder) so I have been a little better now spring and summer have come our way.. but tbh everything’s still there its just not as grim, so if i was 90% on the depression spectrum I’m now 85% so WOOOHOOO!




nothing changes and the mundane-ness of life is killing me… and the stress of everything is weighing me down


I decided to take up a charitable project… honestly today my only thought was …. i cant do it.. who cares if ppl die… i cant cope with the pressure…i took it on cuz I really do care about people and if I can help why shouldn’t i? but turns out a little stress and I collapse.


This is made worse by the fact that i seem to be gaining weight unbelievably, even though I feel I’ve cut down from loads of choco a day to none or spread the amount I’d eat in 1 day over 3-4…  NEVER weigh yourself.. so depressing.. since I did all ive wanted to do is eat cuz really no point..

 I seem useless at killing myself so may be death by excessive eating is the answer.. must move to the US and try a Heart Attack burger or something that may actually do it… my current way is slooooooow!


hope u guys r keeping well…. im gonna log off… i cant b bothered to even complain (yes things have got THAT bad!!!)

Suicide is a gender issue 25,841 more males committed suicide than women in a decade

Suicide is a gender issue 25,841 more males committed suicide than women in a decade

Each time suicide reaches the headlines our attention is directed at particular groups – middle-aged men, people in deprived areas or in certain professions. This is splitting hairs.

The latest statistics underline the message that Calm (the campaign against living miserably) has maintained for years; gender runs through UK suicide statistics like letters in a stick of rock. The highest suicide rate is among men aged 30-44, in men aged 45 to 59 suicide has increased significantly between 2007 and 2011, and in 2011 more men under 35 died from suicide in the UK than road accidents, murder and HIV/Aids combined. Even in the 60+ age group, men were three times more likely to take their lives than women.

Recent University of Liverpool research indicated that the economic downturn was likely to add 1,000 suicides over and above what we could expect; with around 800 more men and 200 women killing themselves as a direct result of the recession. The research proposed that the government needed to look at interventions and policies that will sustain and support jobs. Other research by the Samaritans has focused on older men, concluding that these men, at the lower end of the socio-economic scale, were emotionally illiterate, which explained their high suicide rate.

But surely the big question is why is suicide three to four times more likely in men of any age group?

A complacent explanation for the difference is that men attempt more violent forms of suicide and are therefore more likely to be successful. But take Scottish deaths from 1974-2008. In 1974 the number of Scottish male deaths from suicide stood at 278, women at 264 – numbers then diverged dramatically. Male suicides rose year-on-year to a high of 679 in 1993, and the figures remained high. Meanwhile female suicides only exceeded 300 in two years during the whole period.

Poverty and mental health issues affect both genders. The variable factor is culture and society; how we expect men to act, and how they feel they can behave. Suicide prevention work must, therefore, address this.

Men, regardless of age group, often don’t recognise when they are depressed. Depression in men is likely to be signalled by anger, so won’t be recognised either by men themselves or by women as depression. Ironically, they may end up in jail rather than a GP’s surgery. For a man to ask for help is seen as failure, because by convention men are supposed to be in control at all times.

It seems to be accepted that men just won’t ask for help or therapy. Calm’s phonelines tell a different story. We’ve found that if you promote a service aimed at men, in a manner that fits with their lifestyle and expectations, they will ask for help. We struggle to keep up with demand.

We believe that if we are to combat suicide we have to ensure that all men are aware of the symptoms of depression and feel able to access help without being seen as less of a man for doing so. If boys can’t talk about stuff but girls can then we should tackle this. If men can’t get to their surgery because it’s closed during the working week, then address this. Risk assessments need to reflect gender diversity and women need to be aware of the symptoms of depression in men. We need to challenge the idea that a “strong and silent” man is desirable and challenge the notion that men talking, showing emotion and being “sensitive” is weak.

The number of male suicides over the age of 15 in England and Wales from 2001 to 2011 totalled 38,621. The number of women in the same period totalled 12,780. A difference of 25,841. All of these numbers are too high, but for me the stark contrast between men and women is 25,841 reasons to talk about gender.


The Guardian newspaper January 23 2013

The good, the bad and the suicidal mind

I survived work today…. on the whole it went ok… I didn’t spend the whole day imagining ways I cud kill myself or hurt myself…. So on the whole it was positive.

amazing that the levels I use to show if the days’ have been good r how much time I spend imagining myself dead or maimed. is cannot tell u the number of times I’ve seen myself hanging from lamp posts in the st, or lying on the floor covered in my own blood from self harm, to most ppl I’m sure it just sounds like I’m insane n shut b sectioned, but those moments bring me great release, I feel pressure oozing away n feel content….momentarily then I realise its in my head n life must continue.

If I’m honest with u I’ve started this blog as a kind of journal, as companion, a friend. I remember as a teen I had a diary and it genuinely kept me sane and helped me clear my mind. With this I’m aware it’s public, so need to get used to it. U may ask y I chose a public medium rather than my note book hidden in the depth of my room, there r a number of reasons:

1. I feel alone, a public profile is making me feel there r ppl out there who r interested/feel the same

2. In a weird way I may help someone who’s read this feel they’re not alone

3. My family n friends hold a huge stigma towards suicide, to them it’s the cowards way, it’s unGodly, I don’t think some even believe I’ve attempted suicide because its something that is such a NO NO to them. In a sense I’m trying to get an online surrogate family/friends who won’t b so judgemental. It’s also a way for me not to disappoint them n try to reign in my suicidal tendencies n depression.

is it just me or does any1 else who’s attempted suicide and failed feel like a failure? For me it’s something else I’ve been unable to achieve, I can’t get it right…. I survived…. Even wen I spoke to my Dr about yet she was flabbergasted, her mouth dropped to the ground when she heard I’d survived and hadn’t received medical attn to help recover. 


Obviously my body wants to survive but my heart and mind are done with life….. In their own way they’ve shut down and doin the minimal just to survive every moment of every day… n yes, to me survival on a ‘good’ day is just not planning my death at every moment!

Why am I here?

I am not new to blogging, I’ve started and stopped numerous blogs, and often deleted them because friends/family have found them and it’s TMI… unnecessary for them to know…why depress them the way I am constantly depressed?

I’m trying again because I have no one now, i’ve told everyone who’ll listen that im desperate and alone and need someone to help me, talk to me, treat me like a human being… but alas no one’s replied, no one’s bothered, tbh I think they’re all sick of me…

Now I am alone, I cannot motivate myself to get up in the mornings, I’m always an hour or so late for work (even though I wake up 3 hours before I’m due to arrive and works 10 mins down the road from my house!), at work I can hardly concentrate, im miserable and HATE the sound of my name, it drives me crazy when I’m called for any reason.

I think at some point soon I won’t be able to handle living like this any more, life is meaningless, its pointless and its empty, so why do we live? and why do people insist on having kids? if you know life’s shit and not worth living, why bring more people in to it to suffer? Would you have a tea party in Hitler’s gas chambers? Would you invite people round to chat under the smoke of the Atomic Bomb?

To me the best thing to do is stop procreating, stop creating people who will suffer, no matter what we do someone will be evil, others sensitive, others useless, others amazing, others inventive, some may change the course of humanity but no matter what all of them will hurt, and many will suffer depression, rejection, suicidal tendencies, all of which are increasing in numbers as people lose human contact and live their lives behind Facebook and Twitter and wish they had the life their friends want them to believe they live!

I don’t get people, I don’t get life. I just want to die.