I’m back and I’m feeling worse

So it’s the new year.. January tends to be a hard month for me… I really don’t know why… part of it is S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) the horrible winter weather, lack of sufficient daylight.. and this year the gale force winds that howl and wake me…

I think every year the new year is a reminder of my lack of progression… the fact ANOTHER year has passed and I have nothing to show for my years on this earth.. just disappointment and a bunch of people who, if you scratch the surface, hate me… or find me disappointing.. family included.

After 5 years and 8 months in a job I’ve despised and have complained about nonstop I walked out. I couldn’t take it any more. The fights. The moods I’d get in to because of work. The suicidal thoughts at work. The lack of appreciation. Hard as I tried, and though I’ve reformed the place I was being treated like I’d not done enough .. or well. This wasn’t a job I wanted. I’d taken it to help … and then got sucked in and stuck.

One fight too many and I walked out… I now go in on occasion when I’m needed… desperately.. even then I go in do what needs doing and walk out. being there brings back the stress… then negative sentiment… the misery..

For ages I was happy.. I spent 2-3 months confident of my ability to get a suitable job, I know for the past 5.5+ years I’ve been working in a different field to that I enjoy/have trained for/ want to work in.. but experience is experience and I should be able to transfer it. HOW WRONG WAS I? 100 job applications later I’ve been to 1 interview, received numerous rejections and even more replies of silence.

5 months on it’s getting to me. I can hardly get out of bed every day. I gave up my life for people and now have nothing. You may say I was stupid to do that, but I had no choice, you’d have done the same in the circumstances. And I expect the pressure of being unemployed (still) will increase from next week!

I don’t know what to do.

People are shocked that I’ve been so unsuccessful. I’ve had them check my applications/covering letter/CV. Made changes that have been suggested. Still nothing. I’ve applied for everything… relevant jobs to jobs to tied me over… and nothing..

Today’s been particularly hard because friends who’ve not been looking for jobs as long as I have started their new jobs… some after only 2 job applications. Others have been successful where I have failed even though I completed their application for them, their ideas my words and additions.

I feel thoroughly jinxed… I’m not important enough for the world to be out to get me.. but I believe in Karma.. I just cannot pinpoint where I have been so evil that I deserve this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel, but neither have I ever gone out of my way to upset/hurt people. In fact in the last 5 months of being unemployed I’ve filled my time with charity work including self-financed trips abroad to deliver humanitarian aid.

I am thankful for the position I have in the world.. in many way I’m truly fortunately. But in others I couldn’t be more jinxed!

I cannot take more of this and to be honest not sure how long I can hold out and keep applying.. I now read job descriptions and have the attitude ‘there’s no hope for me’ and don’t apply. My luck is so bad that I’ve contacted career services who haven’t helped me until I spent a month complaining about their service! My friend used the same service and got the help she requested almost immediately!

Honestly I’m despairing… I’ve lost hope…. and if I eat any more I may explode!

I’m back.. and miserable

I know you missed me… been away trying to get ‘bttr’ that worked great..

 

I know i suffer from S.A.D (seasonal affected disorder) so I have been a little better now spring and summer have come our way.. but tbh everything’s still there its just not as grim, so if i was 90% on the depression spectrum I’m now 85% so WOOOHOOO!

 

PAARRRTTTTTTTTEHHHHHHHH!!!

 

nothing changes and the mundane-ness of life is killing me… and the stress of everything is weighing me down

 

I decided to take up a charitable project… honestly today my only thought was …. i cant do it.. who cares if ppl die… i cant cope with the pressure…i took it on cuz I really do care about people and if I can help why shouldn’t i? but turns out a little stress and I collapse.

 

This is made worse by the fact that i seem to be gaining weight unbelievably, even though I feel I’ve cut down from loads of choco a day to none or spread the amount I’d eat in 1 day over 3-4…  NEVER weigh yourself.. so depressing.. since I did all ive wanted to do is eat cuz really no point..

 I seem useless at killing myself so may be death by excessive eating is the answer.. must move to the US and try a Heart Attack burger or something that may actually do it… my current way is slooooooow!

 

hope u guys r keeping well…. im gonna log off… i cant b bothered to even complain (yes things have got THAT bad!!!)

I want to run away….I wanna fly away….

Sing with me now!!!

Or don’t .. ur voice isn’t THAT good 😛

But yes I do… i cant take guilt.. so it’ll never happen.. plus im an adult ud think i cud just pick up sticks and just say: ‘I’m moving to the moon, visit me when u can’ and get up and go… alas.. my life isn’t like that.. this is wat wud happen for me:

in my head: ‘I wanna go to the moon, but i cannot go there with no job, it’d be irresponsible, plus I’d have to set up for a replacement at work, train him/her, get everyone/everything sorted, tie up loose ends, then I’d be able to leave.’ Then the guilt of having left my job, stressing about whether or not everything is OK.. guilt of leaving my family.. will they be OK.. have I let them down??? Are they disappointed in me?

Guilt eats me up… i literally want to scream… i feel so suffocated atm.. so much responsibility and I enjoy none of it.. and feel fulfilled by none of it.. and feel i don’t do enuf … i’m deffo not appreciated and let’s face it, I’m ALWAYS wrong!

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Nothing’s changed….

… just my blogs kept disappearing and I was disheartened so stopped posting… what’s the point when I’m not being an exhibitionist and showing off my ability to type a few letters on to a keyboard 😛

 

Honestly life’s been diff degrees of shit… I’m feeling extremely lonely and alone.. and no one cares…. i think ppl have either had enough of me or just think I’ll bounce out of it… eventually… yeah about 21 years and counting.. I’m sure the ‘eventually’ will happen…. well… eventually!!!

My braindead job is on going.. and yes Im getting more stupid as everyday passes by.. literally it’s the kindda job you do when you like to leave your work at work and switch off once you walk out the door, or you have no confidence in yourself so feel it’s all you deserve, or your starting up in your career as there’s a lot to learn in this office .. I’ve just been here too long!

Instead of learning I’m yearning to learn something new.. and at the same time too demotivated to seek it out ….

I’m beyond bored, and sick of it all.. and genuinely it’s got to a point where I’m now waking up in the middle of the night turning over wishing for death and trying to get back to sleep.. that can’t be healthy the first thought when I wake is a prayer for death?!?!

Why won’t it just happen?

What a drag!

It took me 3 hours to drag myself out of bed this morning, I could hear the world around me moving and I felt paralysed. As ever I was 40 mins late to work, problem is apart from feeling like a let down I don’t care about anything.

My issue in life is guilt, most of what I do is out of guilt, not out of longing or wanting or seeing hope in it. I work in the company I work for because of guilt, I’m helping people I know out (though I’m sure now they feel I’m more of a liability than a help), I live in London out of guilt.. I should be near my family .. my parents aren’t getting younger, it’s got to a point where seeing friends has come out of guilt.

Yesterday I’d made plans to see a friend who’s been a little down lately, once I’d organised this outting that tbh I didn’t want to be part of but felt if she’s down I should be there for her, I got a message from another friend saying she’d like to escape and go out and plz take her out. I obviously invited her to join our outting to which she said no, and I felt shit.

I know i can’t rip myself in to 2, and I know i cant b  there for everyone. But at the same time, I’m wishing someone would be there for me so hate it wen I fail to see that a friend is hurting or am unable to be there for them i feel like a let down.

As usual, I’m the last person on my friends’ agenda.. yesterday i got a message from a friend about an issue she’s having so I replied and suggested she come out too knowing full well the other girl would leave early as she has an early rise in the morning. The response I got was ‘will let you know when im done with wat I’m doing’. 3 hours later I got nothing so I messaged and said ‘whats the plan?’ she didn’t reply for about 15 mins then sent the odd message every now and then never actually answering the Q of whether or not she was coming. Finally I find out she decided to change plans and just go home to curl up and watch a movie, her excuse: thought u were gonna message me? I sent her the text she sent me and she said ‘yes i did arrange to meet you but changed’.

I know to a normal person it happens and no issue, but the day before this I had talked to her about how alone Ive been feeling and how people don’t really bother with me and sit with me but pay more attn to their fones than to me and im sat RIGHT there! so ud think she’d take care the next day NOT to do the same to me!

Also, Ive seen her with her phone it’s tattooed to her hand, when Im with her she’s on it all the time, when I message her takes ages to reply though I know she’s replying or replied to others, sometime mutual friends will say something that tells me she’s just messaged me.

She doesn’t have a duty to care, but she’s my closest friend, when I first told her I was feeling alone and felt i could talk to no one she got hurt and insulted. But since then she’s not said a word or tried and constantly blows me off to c other friends and then strings me along ‘yeah we’ll meet at 8’ then 7pm ‘listen can we do later? can u make other plans and I’ll tell u when im done and ill meet you somewhere’ it’s like I have to plan my social life to fit in to her constantly changing life none of which prioritises me…

I feel hurt…. I feel alone…. and I know it seems childish but there’s no1 I can turn to… no1 cares