I’m back and I’m feeling worse

So it’s the new year.. January tends to be a hard month for me… I really don’t know why… part of it is S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) the horrible winter weather, lack of sufficient daylight.. and this year the gale force winds that howl and wake me…

I think every year the new year is a reminder of my lack of progression… the fact ANOTHER year has passed and I have nothing to show for my years on this earth.. just disappointment and a bunch of people who, if you scratch the surface, hate me… or find me disappointing.. family included.

After 5 years and 8 months in a job I’ve despised and have complained about nonstop I walked out. I couldn’t take it any more. The fights. The moods I’d get in to because of work. The suicidal thoughts at work. The lack of appreciation. Hard as I tried, and though I’ve reformed the place I was being treated like I’d not done enough .. or well. This wasn’t a job I wanted. I’d taken it to help … and then got sucked in and stuck.

One fight too many and I walked out… I now go in on occasion when I’m needed… desperately.. even then I go in do what needs doing and walk out. being there brings back the stress… then negative sentiment… the misery..

For ages I was happy.. I spent 2-3 months confident of my ability to get a suitable job, I know for the past 5.5+ years I’ve been working in a different field to that I enjoy/have trained for/ want to work in.. but experience is experience and I should be able to transfer it. HOW WRONG WAS I? 100 job applications later I’ve been to 1 interview, received numerous rejections and even more replies of silence.

5 months on it’s getting to me. I can hardly get out of bed every day. I gave up my life for people and now have nothing. You may say I was stupid to do that, but I had no choice, you’d have done the same in the circumstances. And I expect the pressure of being unemployed (still) will increase from next week!

I don’t know what to do.

People are shocked that I’ve been so unsuccessful. I’ve had them check my applications/covering letter/CV. Made changes that have been suggested. Still nothing. I’ve applied for everything… relevant jobs to jobs to tied me over… and nothing..

Today’s been particularly hard because friends who’ve not been looking for jobs as long as I have started their new jobs… some after only 2 job applications. Others have been successful where I have failed even though I completed their application for them, their ideas my words and additions.

I feel thoroughly jinxed… I’m not important enough for the world to be out to get me.. but I believe in Karma.. I just cannot pinpoint where I have been so evil that I deserve this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel, but neither have I ever gone out of my way to upset/hurt people. In fact in the last 5 months of being unemployed I’ve filled my time with charity work including self-financed trips abroad to deliver humanitarian aid.

I am thankful for the position I have in the world.. in many way I’m truly fortunately. But in others I couldn’t be more jinxed!

I cannot take more of this and to be honest not sure how long I can hold out and keep applying.. I now read job descriptions and have the attitude ‘there’s no hope for me’ and don’t apply. My luck is so bad that I’ve contacted career services who haven’t helped me until I spent a month complaining about their service! My friend used the same service and got the help she requested almost immediately!

Honestly I’m despairing… I’ve lost hope…. and if I eat any more I may explode!

Advertisements

I want to run away….I wanna fly away….

Sing with me now!!!

Or don’t .. ur voice isn’t THAT good 😛

But yes I do… i cant take guilt.. so it’ll never happen.. plus im an adult ud think i cud just pick up sticks and just say: ‘I’m moving to the moon, visit me when u can’ and get up and go… alas.. my life isn’t like that.. this is wat wud happen for me:

in my head: ‘I wanna go to the moon, but i cannot go there with no job, it’d be irresponsible, plus I’d have to set up for a replacement at work, train him/her, get everyone/everything sorted, tie up loose ends, then I’d be able to leave.’ Then the guilt of having left my job, stressing about whether or not everything is OK.. guilt of leaving my family.. will they be OK.. have I let them down??? Are they disappointed in me?

Guilt eats me up… i literally want to scream… i feel so suffocated atm.. so much responsibility and I enjoy none of it.. and feel fulfilled by none of it.. and feel i don’t do enuf … i’m deffo not appreciated and let’s face it, I’m ALWAYS wrong!

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

I found the problem_ _ _ _ _ _s

I’d say there’s one but that’d be lying to you, i have several:

1. Depression is hereditary: my mother had it and TA DAAAAAA so do I.. I’ve suffered depression since i was a kid

2. Loneliness: I have no one to really open up to, yes I speak to friends, but if something was bothering me would I pick up the phone and say ‘hey, i need to talk’? HELL NO! it would be uncalled for, and totally not the relationship I have with ppl. In fact my mobile phone hardly ever gets used for voice calls, and when it does its more ‘how’s that shopping list going’ than anything else.

3. A messy breakup: no screaming, so shouting, no shots fired …no mention of who’s done that lately!!!….. but 13 years and we’re done….

4. Loneliness: I feel more alone as I have no1 to talk things through with

5. Boredom: I have a LOT of time to twiddle my thumbs… and the devil makes evil thoughts for little worked brains… so I think a lot and that generally gets me low

6. Is anyone happy? It appears everyone around me is miserable, as much or more than me? I don’t know if you can measure that.. fact is everyone’s low.. may be it’s SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder) or may be life’s shit and people should really take my advise and STOP HAVING CHILDREN… why put more ppl through life’s hell?

7. Nothing to look forward to: what’s to smile about? what’s to get up and go for? NOTHING

it’s all boring, dull, lonely, isolating, depressing.