I’m back and I’m feeling worse

So it’s the new year.. January tends to be a hard month for me… I really don’t know why… part of it is S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) the horrible winter weather, lack of sufficient daylight.. and this year the gale force winds that howl and wake me…

I think every year the new year is a reminder of my lack of progression… the fact ANOTHER year has passed and I have nothing to show for my years on this earth.. just disappointment and a bunch of people who, if you scratch the surface, hate me… or find me disappointing.. family included.

After 5 years and 8 months in a job I’ve despised and have complained about nonstop I walked out. I couldn’t take it any more. The fights. The moods I’d get in to because of work. The suicidal thoughts at work. The lack of appreciation. Hard as I tried, and though I’ve reformed the place I was being treated like I’d not done enough .. or well. This wasn’t a job I wanted. I’d taken it to help … and then got sucked in and stuck.

One fight too many and I walked out… I now go in on occasion when I’m needed… desperately.. even then I go in do what needs doing and walk out. being there brings back the stress… then negative sentiment… the misery..

For ages I was happy.. I spent 2-3 months confident of my ability to get a suitable job, I know for the past 5.5+ years I’ve been working in a different field to that I enjoy/have trained for/ want to work in.. but experience is experience and I should be able to transfer it. HOW WRONG WAS I? 100 job applications later I’ve been to 1 interview, received numerous rejections and even more replies of silence.

5 months on it’s getting to me. I can hardly get out of bed every day. I gave up my life for people and now have nothing. You may say I was stupid to do that, but I had no choice, you’d have done the same in the circumstances. And I expect the pressure of being unemployed (still) will increase from next week!

I don’t know what to do.

People are shocked that I’ve been so unsuccessful. I’ve had them check my applications/covering letter/CV. Made changes that have been suggested. Still nothing. I’ve applied for everything… relevant jobs to jobs to tied me over… and nothing..

Today’s been particularly hard because friends who’ve not been looking for jobs as long as I have started their new jobs… some after only 2 job applications. Others have been successful where I have failed even though I completed their application for them, their ideas my words and additions.

I feel thoroughly jinxed… I’m not important enough for the world to be out to get me.. but I believe in Karma.. I just cannot pinpoint where I have been so evil that I deserve this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel, but neither have I ever gone out of my way to upset/hurt people. In fact in the last 5 months of being unemployed I’ve filled my time with charity work including self-financed trips abroad to deliver humanitarian aid.

I am thankful for the position I have in the world.. in many way I’m truly fortunately. But in others I couldn’t be more jinxed!

I cannot take more of this and to be honest not sure how long I can hold out and keep applying.. I now read job descriptions and have the attitude ‘there’s no hope for me’ and don’t apply. My luck is so bad that I’ve contacted career services who haven’t helped me until I spent a month complaining about their service! My friend used the same service and got the help she requested almost immediately!

Honestly I’m despairing… I’ve lost hope…. and if I eat any more I may explode!


Suicides among middle-aged Americans jumps by 28%

Suicide rates are rising dramatically among middle-aged Americans, according to US government statistics, which showed a 28% spike from a decade ago in the number of people taking their own lives.



The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said the figures show more people taking their own lives than dying in car accidents, and attribute the increase to the sharp rise in suicides among adults aged aged 35 to 64.

The number of Americans in that age range who took their own lives grew from 13.7 per 100,000 people in 1999, to 17.6 per 100,000 in 2010 – an alarming 28 percent increase, the agency said.

The rise was most dramatic among those in their 50s – the tail-end of the so-called “Baby Boomer” generation born after World War II – who saw a nearly 50 percent jump in suicides.

“Suicide is a tragedy that is far too common,” said CDC Director Tom Frieden.

“This report highlights the need to expand our knowledge of risk factors so we can build on prevention programs.”


In 2010, an average of nearly 18 out of every 100,000 people aged 35-64 died from suicide – four more than a decade earlier, the CDC said.

In 2010, motor vehicle accidents killed 33,687 people, while 38,364 died from suicide that year, according to the CDC, the government agency tasked with providing research and recommendations on US health and safety.

Among non-Hispanic whites and Native Americans, annual suicide rates leaped 40 percent and 65 percent, respectively.

Nearly three times as many men as women in this age group killed themselves: around 27 men compared to eight women per 100,000 in 2010.

And the CDC found that, while most suicides were committed with guns, the number of people dying from suffocation and hanging rose the fastest – by more than 80 percent – over the last decade.

Previous research and prevention efforts have focused on the young and the elderly, but the CDC said these programs should now be expanded to the middle-aged in light of the statistics.

“It is important for suicide prevention strategies to address the types of stressors that middle-aged Americans might be facing and that can contribute to suicide risk,” said Linda Degutis, director of the CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

Experts are not certain why suicide rates are increasing so markedly among middle-aged adults, but suggested that causes could include the economic crisis of recent years. Suicides have historically spiked in times of financial hardship.

The authors also noted that the increase in suicides among baby boomers in their 50s may be a quirk of their generation, as they also showed unusually high rates of suicide in their teenage years.

The research suggested that there is a need to focus suicide research and prevention efforts – traditionally geared toward youth and the elderly – to those in mid-life.

The CDC said that some of these suicide prevention strategies include improving social supports and increasing access to mental health and counseling services.

The agency said efforts could be stepped up to bolster programs for those with financial challenges, job loss, intimate partner problems or dealing with stress related to the caregiving of children or aging parents, or who suffer from substance abuse or chronic health problems.

Bleeding royalty

As a kid, after having a blood test, I was told I had a low platelet count. At the time in History class we were learning about the Tsar of Russia whose son was born with Hemophilia, I was convinced I had it too. The symptoms are similar, though I have to say mine weren’t quite as deadly or dramatic.

Hemophilia: is a group of hereditary genetic disorders that impair the body’s ability to control blood clotting or coagulation, which is used to stop bleeding when a blood vessel is broken. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haemophilia)

I appeared to have the watered down version (from what i understand.. but then I’m no Dr). If the number of platelets is too low, excessive bleeding can occur.

I’ve always had this problem, I get a small cut and it takes 20 mins or more to clot, it’s never bothered me, it’s been more a challenge of what shapes I can make with the blood… yes sickening but tru!

Later, once I’d done a First Aid Course and learnt that you had to wrap a wound and not change the dressing to encourage clotting I tried doing that, but adding dressing after dressing on to a finger is stifling and yes.. my fingers did look big in them!

In any case, when I found out, I was so happy, the Tsar’s son had a low life expectancy, and though it wasn’t wat eventually killed him, I had hope it would be the death of me. Unfortunately 17 years after this diagnosis and still with a low platelet count, I’m STILL here… BBBOOOOOOOO

and as I’m not royalty I don’t think I have sufficient enemies who’ll have me killed in my sleep.

If you’d like to brush up on your knowledge of history and read about the Tsar’s son: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexei_Nikolaevich,_Tsarevich_of_Russia

I want to run away….I wanna fly away….

Sing with me now!!!

Or don’t .. ur voice isn’t THAT good 😛

But yes I do… i cant take guilt.. so it’ll never happen.. plus im an adult ud think i cud just pick up sticks and just say: ‘I’m moving to the moon, visit me when u can’ and get up and go… alas.. my life isn’t like that.. this is wat wud happen for me:

in my head: ‘I wanna go to the moon, but i cannot go there with no job, it’d be irresponsible, plus I’d have to set up for a replacement at work, train him/her, get everyone/everything sorted, tie up loose ends, then I’d be able to leave.’ Then the guilt of having left my job, stressing about whether or not everything is OK.. guilt of leaving my family.. will they be OK.. have I let them down??? Are they disappointed in me?

Guilt eats me up… i literally want to scream… i feel so suffocated atm.. so much responsibility and I enjoy none of it.. and feel fulfilled by none of it.. and feel i don’t do enuf … i’m deffo not appreciated and let’s face it, I’m ALWAYS wrong!


Feel my wrath…

I genuinely feel for amenities companies who have to deal with me… I’ve worked in this job for 6 years… i’m unhappy… and HATE bad service. What most people fail to realise is though I’ve never worked for an electricity/gas/water company, I have to work with them everyday so i know their rules. I am fully aware what their staff can and cannot do.

Often I’m able to educate new staff on the limitations of their position.

Basically I’m what everyone hates, a very clued up customer, who you cannot shut up with things like ‘no this doesn’t work’ or ‘or systems are limited’ or ‘that’s a difference department’ or similar weak excuses.

Since encountering all this bad service I’ve realised the only think that gets people scared is complaints made against them, too many and you risk losing your job. And though that is NEVER my aim for people, if you choose not do your job properly I’m not the customer who will be quiet and let you be, I am not a walkover, and you will regret being lazy.

On the UP side… eventually when I’m stubborn and persistent my problems get sorted in one… VERY LONG.. call…

The DOWN side…. I hate upsetting people, genuinely it throws me off course, ruins my day, stresses me out.

I’m so done with guilt, wish it was something I could control, i feel guilty allll the time. Had to cancel on a friend cuz I’ve already made plans… i feel guilty cuz I let them down. Wasn’t able to help someone… guilty. Current job… stuck here outta guilt… guilt rules my life and ruins it too.


I want to be free and relax and just be.

*YAWN* same hum drum of family life…..

So I’m back…. i can hear the cheers!

this is how my day is panning out: Work…. dull

going home to a dinner party with a bunch of my parents’ friends… dull.. no clue why I have to stick around… but they’ve asked me to ‘help out’ and I feel guilty letting them down.

I know to most people helping family out is a no brainer, and honestly I don’t mind most of the time, the problem is I do it ALLL the time, something breaks… I fix it… if it needs doing .. I’ll end up doing it… to the extent that pay and display parking… I have to call up and do for them.. well I did until I snapped.. why can you pick up a phone and call me and give me all the details but are unable to call the number you’re telling me to call and quote details you’re quoting me so sort yourself out?!?!

the mind boggles.

Here I am trying my best to be a good daughter, not to let them down. Unfortunately I fear no matter how hard I try or how much I do it’s never enough, I always feel like I let my family down and they are ashamed of me and I shame them in one way or another.

It’s become blatantly obvious that my happiness comes 10th to their needs/wants and anything else that can possibly be put ahead of me.

It’s seriously disheartening to realise society interests your parents more than your happiness and needs. The snide comments which are hailed at you because you refuse to conform to society’s idea of beauty or whatever…. ‘u ALWAYS look a mess’, ‘go but DONT show us up’, ‘go but dress appropriately’

Honestly sometimes I feel I am 3 years old and need help with my laces!

I found the problem_ _ _ _ _ _s

I’d say there’s one but that’d be lying to you, i have several:

1. Depression is hereditary: my mother had it and TA DAAAAAA so do I.. I’ve suffered depression since i was a kid

2. Loneliness: I have no one to really open up to, yes I speak to friends, but if something was bothering me would I pick up the phone and say ‘hey, i need to talk’? HELL NO! it would be uncalled for, and totally not the relationship I have with ppl. In fact my mobile phone hardly ever gets used for voice calls, and when it does its more ‘how’s that shopping list going’ than anything else.

3. A messy breakup: no screaming, so shouting, no shots fired …no mention of who’s done that lately!!!….. but 13 years and we’re done….

4. Loneliness: I feel more alone as I have no1 to talk things through with

5. Boredom: I have a LOT of time to twiddle my thumbs… and the devil makes evil thoughts for little worked brains… so I think a lot and that generally gets me low

6. Is anyone happy? It appears everyone around me is miserable, as much or more than me? I don’t know if you can measure that.. fact is everyone’s low.. may be it’s SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder) or may be life’s shit and people should really take my advise and STOP HAVING CHILDREN… why put more ppl through life’s hell?

7. Nothing to look forward to: what’s to smile about? what’s to get up and go for? NOTHING

it’s all boring, dull, lonely, isolating, depressing.