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I should be happy… but I dunno how!

I should be happy.

Everyone I speak to tells me i should be happy. I’ve FINALLY found a job.. hopefully regaining my independence and getting stuff sorted to align with what I’d like to happen in life. but I cannot find a silver lining to my endless mood.

I used to go out with friends laugh with them, lighten my mood for a few hours and come home to my mood. In fact it would only take me getting in my car and the dark cloud would set back on me.  Now even when with friends I have no conversation. i don’t want to keep talking about how low I feel.. I don’t think they care… for so long now it’s been a matter of me contacting ppl to meet up, to check they’re OK .. to touch base with them.

with many the response is monosyllabic. They are backing out of events that previously they’d enjoyed. But I know they’re doing things with other ppl so it’s making me paranoid that ppl are upset with me.. that perhaps they are sick of me, my mood, my very being.

It’s for this reason that I’ve cut down on talking. on being myself… no 1 needs to know just how low I’ve got. Almost every moment I’m awake I’m wishing for death…I’m sleeping badly constantly having bad dreams or nightmares. I’m constantly exhausted and need to sleep.

suggestions as to wat I should do to ‘snap outta this’? Meds are NOT an option.

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About k111me

One day I'll get the death I've longed for faaarrr too long.

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