I should be happy… but I dunno how!

I should be happy.

Everyone I speak to tells me i should be happy. I’ve FINALLY found a job.. hopefully regaining my independence and getting stuff sorted to align with what I’d like to happen in life. but I cannot find a silver lining to my endless mood.

I used to go out with friends laugh with them, lighten my mood for a few hours and come home to my mood. In fact it would only take me getting in my car and the dark cloud would set back on me.  Now even when with friends I have no conversation. i don’t want to keep talking about how low I feel.. I don’t think they care… for so long now it’s been a matter of me contacting ppl to meet up, to check they’re OK .. to touch base with them.

with many the response is monosyllabic. They are backing out of events that previously they’d enjoyed. But I know they’re doing things with other ppl so it’s making me paranoid that ppl are upset with me.. that perhaps they are sick of me, my mood, my very being.

It’s for this reason that I’ve cut down on talking. on being myself… no 1 needs to know just how low I’ve got. Almost every moment I’m awake I’m wishing for death…I’m sleeping badly constantly having bad dreams or nightmares. I’m constantly exhausted and need to sleep.

suggestions as to wat I should do to ‘snap outta this’? Meds are NOT an option.

Advertisements

Poor GCSEs increase self-harm risk

Poor GCSEs increase self-harm risk, warns Prince’s Trust

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/25642662

 

People with fewer than five A to C GCSEs are more likely to self-harm than students with good results, a charity is warning.

The Prince’s Trust surveyed 2,161, 16 to 25-year-olds and one in five said they did things like cut or burn themselves.

For people with poor GCSE results, that jumped to nearly one in three.

Stacy Hawkins, 22, said her mental health problems started when she moved to a new school in Cornwall aged 15.

“I was bullied,” she said. “I didn’t fit in.

“I’d be pushed, shoved, tripped up in the corridor and I couldn’t really concentrate because I was thinking more about what was going to happen once I’d left class knowing I’d probably be beaten up again.”

In the end Stacy didn’t get any GCSEs at grade A to C.

That meant she was unable to go to college, which is one of the reasons she says she ended up leaving home at 17.

It was shortly after that when she started self-harming.

“I’d cut myself,” she revealed. “I’d burn myself, I’d try and break my bones. I’d take large overdoses.

“I don’t really know why I did it. It just made me feel better. It helped me release some of that anger and that if the world was hurting me why shouldn’t I hurt myself?

“It seemed as though life really wasn’t worth living.”

Paul Brown works for The Prince’s Trust and says people like Stacy need more help from the government, charities and the private sector.

“We believe more needs to be done in school, with schools working together with organisations like The Prince’s Trust, to provide specialist support to those young people who need help to overcome the issues in their lives,” he said.

“We need to redouble our efforts and make sure we focus on the most vulnerable young people.

“That includes those who’ve left school with fewer than five good GCSEs because we know they’re more likely to suffer a whole range of mental health issues.”

One person the charity has already helped is Stacy.

“I’m in a lot better place now, I rarely self-harm,” she said.

“I feel more confident about talking to people about how I feel.

“I’ve gone back to college to try and better my English GCSE and I’m generally feeling a lot better in myself.”

 

 

Facts about suicide in the UK

  • Suicide is the biggest single killer of under-35s in the UK
  • Nearly four people aged between 15 and 34 kill themselves every day
  • Three times as many men as women kill themselves in the UK

Source: Office of National Statistics

I’m back and I’m feeling worse

So it’s the new year.. January tends to be a hard month for me… I really don’t know why… part of it is S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) the horrible winter weather, lack of sufficient daylight.. and this year the gale force winds that howl and wake me…

I think every year the new year is a reminder of my lack of progression… the fact ANOTHER year has passed and I have nothing to show for my years on this earth.. just disappointment and a bunch of people who, if you scratch the surface, hate me… or find me disappointing.. family included.

After 5 years and 8 months in a job I’ve despised and have complained about nonstop I walked out. I couldn’t take it any more. The fights. The moods I’d get in to because of work. The suicidal thoughts at work. The lack of appreciation. Hard as I tried, and though I’ve reformed the place I was being treated like I’d not done enough .. or well. This wasn’t a job I wanted. I’d taken it to help … and then got sucked in and stuck.

One fight too many and I walked out… I now go in on occasion when I’m needed… desperately.. even then I go in do what needs doing and walk out. being there brings back the stress… then negative sentiment… the misery..

For ages I was happy.. I spent 2-3 months confident of my ability to get a suitable job, I know for the past 5.5+ years I’ve been working in a different field to that I enjoy/have trained for/ want to work in.. but experience is experience and I should be able to transfer it. HOW WRONG WAS I? 100 job applications later I’ve been to 1 interview, received numerous rejections and even more replies of silence.

5 months on it’s getting to me. I can hardly get out of bed every day. I gave up my life for people and now have nothing. You may say I was stupid to do that, but I had no choice, you’d have done the same in the circumstances. And I expect the pressure of being unemployed (still) will increase from next week!

I don’t know what to do.

People are shocked that I’ve been so unsuccessful. I’ve had them check my applications/covering letter/CV. Made changes that have been suggested. Still nothing. I’ve applied for everything… relevant jobs to jobs to tied me over… and nothing..

Today’s been particularly hard because friends who’ve not been looking for jobs as long as I have started their new jobs… some after only 2 job applications. Others have been successful where I have failed even though I completed their application for them, their ideas my words and additions.

I feel thoroughly jinxed… I’m not important enough for the world to be out to get me.. but I believe in Karma.. I just cannot pinpoint where I have been so evil that I deserve this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel, but neither have I ever gone out of my way to upset/hurt people. In fact in the last 5 months of being unemployed I’ve filled my time with charity work including self-financed trips abroad to deliver humanitarian aid.

I am thankful for the position I have in the world.. in many way I’m truly fortunately. But in others I couldn’t be more jinxed!

I cannot take more of this and to be honest not sure how long I can hold out and keep applying.. I now read job descriptions and have the attitude ‘there’s no hope for me’ and don’t apply. My luck is so bad that I’ve contacted career services who haven’t helped me until I spent a month complaining about their service! My friend used the same service and got the help she requested almost immediately!

Honestly I’m despairing… I’ve lost hope…. and if I eat any more I may explode!

I’m back.. and miserable

I know you missed me… been away trying to get ‘bttr’ that worked great..

 

I know i suffer from S.A.D (seasonal affected disorder) so I have been a little better now spring and summer have come our way.. but tbh everything’s still there its just not as grim, so if i was 90% on the depression spectrum I’m now 85% so WOOOHOOO!

 

PAARRRTTTTTTTTEHHHHHHHH!!!

 

nothing changes and the mundane-ness of life is killing me… and the stress of everything is weighing me down

 

I decided to take up a charitable project… honestly today my only thought was …. i cant do it.. who cares if ppl die… i cant cope with the pressure…i took it on cuz I really do care about people and if I can help why shouldn’t i? but turns out a little stress and I collapse.

 

This is made worse by the fact that i seem to be gaining weight unbelievably, even though I feel I’ve cut down from loads of choco a day to none or spread the amount I’d eat in 1 day over 3-4…  NEVER weigh yourself.. so depressing.. since I did all ive wanted to do is eat cuz really no point..

 I seem useless at killing myself so may be death by excessive eating is the answer.. must move to the US and try a Heart Attack burger or something that may actually do it… my current way is slooooooow!

 

hope u guys r keeping well…. im gonna log off… i cant b bothered to even complain (yes things have got THAT bad!!!)

Suicides among middle-aged Americans jumps by 28%

Suicide rates are rising dramatically among middle-aged Americans, according to US government statistics, which showed a 28% spike from a decade ago in the number of people taking their own lives.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/10035367/Suicides-among-middle-aged-Americans-jumps-by-28.html

 

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said the figures show more people taking their own lives than dying in car accidents, and attribute the increase to the sharp rise in suicides among adults aged aged 35 to 64.

The number of Americans in that age range who took their own lives grew from 13.7 per 100,000 people in 1999, to 17.6 per 100,000 in 2010 – an alarming 28 percent increase, the agency said.

The rise was most dramatic among those in their 50s – the tail-end of the so-called “Baby Boomer” generation born after World War II – who saw a nearly 50 percent jump in suicides.

“Suicide is a tragedy that is far too common,” said CDC Director Tom Frieden.

“This report highlights the need to expand our knowledge of risk factors so we can build on prevention programs.”

 

In 2010, an average of nearly 18 out of every 100,000 people aged 35-64 died from suicide – four more than a decade earlier, the CDC said.

In 2010, motor vehicle accidents killed 33,687 people, while 38,364 died from suicide that year, according to the CDC, the government agency tasked with providing research and recommendations on US health and safety.

Among non-Hispanic whites and Native Americans, annual suicide rates leaped 40 percent and 65 percent, respectively.

Nearly three times as many men as women in this age group killed themselves: around 27 men compared to eight women per 100,000 in 2010.

And the CDC found that, while most suicides were committed with guns, the number of people dying from suffocation and hanging rose the fastest – by more than 80 percent – over the last decade.

Previous research and prevention efforts have focused on the young and the elderly, but the CDC said these programs should now be expanded to the middle-aged in light of the statistics.

“It is important for suicide prevention strategies to address the types of stressors that middle-aged Americans might be facing and that can contribute to suicide risk,” said Linda Degutis, director of the CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

Experts are not certain why suicide rates are increasing so markedly among middle-aged adults, but suggested that causes could include the economic crisis of recent years. Suicides have historically spiked in times of financial hardship.

The authors also noted that the increase in suicides among baby boomers in their 50s may be a quirk of their generation, as they also showed unusually high rates of suicide in their teenage years.

The research suggested that there is a need to focus suicide research and prevention efforts – traditionally geared toward youth and the elderly – to those in mid-life.

The CDC said that some of these suicide prevention strategies include improving social supports and increasing access to mental health and counseling services.

The agency said efforts could be stepped up to bolster programs for those with financial challenges, job loss, intimate partner problems or dealing with stress related to the caregiving of children or aging parents, or who suffer from substance abuse or chronic health problems.

Self-Harm in young on the rise says charity

An increasing number of young people in the UK are choosing to deliberately hurt themselves. This is according to children’s charities ChildLine, YouthNet and YoungMinds, as well as the webiste Selfharm.co.uk, which came together to raise awareness of the issue for Self-harm Awareness Day (1 March), BBC News reports.

The groups explained that not only are more teenagers self-harming, but that younger children are beginning to be affected by the issue.

It is hoped that by joining forces, the charities can reduce the stigma attached to self-harm and to dispel some of the myths that surround it.

The groups warned that children as young as ten have called helplines to say they have purposefully injured themselves, while around one in ten young people are believed to have hurt themselves at one point or another.

Paediatrician and television presenter Dr Ranj Singh said: “The problem is related to emotional distress and anguish and feelings of anxiety, pain and depression. A lot of that can be due to increasing societal pressure as a whole.”

 

http://www.bps.org.uk/news/self-harm-young-rise