I should be happy… but I dunno how!

I should be happy.

Everyone I speak to tells me i should be happy. I’ve FINALLY found a job.. hopefully regaining my independence and getting stuff sorted to align with what I’d like to happen in life. but I cannot find a silver lining to my endless mood.

I used to go out with friends laugh with them, lighten my mood for a few hours and come home to my mood. In fact it would only take me getting in my car and the dark cloud would set back on me.  Now even when with friends I have no conversation. i don’t want to keep talking about how low I feel.. I don’t think they care… for so long now it’s been a matter of me contacting ppl to meet up, to check they’re OK .. to touch base with them.

with many the response is monosyllabic. They are backing out of events that previously they’d enjoyed. But I know they’re doing things with other ppl so it’s making me paranoid that ppl are upset with me.. that perhaps they are sick of me, my mood, my very being.

It’s for this reason that I’ve cut down on talking. on being myself… no 1 needs to know just how low I’ve got. Almost every moment I’m awake I’m wishing for death…I’m sleeping badly constantly having bad dreams or nightmares. I’m constantly exhausted and need to sleep.

suggestions as to wat I should do to ‘snap outta this’? Meds are NOT an option.

Poor GCSEs increase self-harm risk

Poor GCSEs increase self-harm risk, warns Prince’s Trust

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/25642662

 

People with fewer than five A to C GCSEs are more likely to self-harm than students with good results, a charity is warning.

The Prince’s Trust surveyed 2,161, 16 to 25-year-olds and one in five said they did things like cut or burn themselves.

For people with poor GCSE results, that jumped to nearly one in three.

Stacy Hawkins, 22, said her mental health problems started when she moved to a new school in Cornwall aged 15.

“I was bullied,” she said. “I didn’t fit in.

“I’d be pushed, shoved, tripped up in the corridor and I couldn’t really concentrate because I was thinking more about what was going to happen once I’d left class knowing I’d probably be beaten up again.”

In the end Stacy didn’t get any GCSEs at grade A to C.

That meant she was unable to go to college, which is one of the reasons she says she ended up leaving home at 17.

It was shortly after that when she started self-harming.

“I’d cut myself,” she revealed. “I’d burn myself, I’d try and break my bones. I’d take large overdoses.

“I don’t really know why I did it. It just made me feel better. It helped me release some of that anger and that if the world was hurting me why shouldn’t I hurt myself?

“It seemed as though life really wasn’t worth living.”

Paul Brown works for The Prince’s Trust and says people like Stacy need more help from the government, charities and the private sector.

“We believe more needs to be done in school, with schools working together with organisations like The Prince’s Trust, to provide specialist support to those young people who need help to overcome the issues in their lives,” he said.

“We need to redouble our efforts and make sure we focus on the most vulnerable young people.

“That includes those who’ve left school with fewer than five good GCSEs because we know they’re more likely to suffer a whole range of mental health issues.”

One person the charity has already helped is Stacy.

“I’m in a lot better place now, I rarely self-harm,” she said.

“I feel more confident about talking to people about how I feel.

“I’ve gone back to college to try and better my English GCSE and I’m generally feeling a lot better in myself.”

 

 

Facts about suicide in the UK

  • Suicide is the biggest single killer of under-35s in the UK
  • Nearly four people aged between 15 and 34 kill themselves every day
  • Three times as many men as women kill themselves in the UK

Source: Office of National Statistics

I’m back and I’m feeling worse

So it’s the new year.. January tends to be a hard month for me… I really don’t know why… part of it is S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) the horrible winter weather, lack of sufficient daylight.. and this year the gale force winds that howl and wake me…

I think every year the new year is a reminder of my lack of progression… the fact ANOTHER year has passed and I have nothing to show for my years on this earth.. just disappointment and a bunch of people who, if you scratch the surface, hate me… or find me disappointing.. family included.

After 5 years and 8 months in a job I’ve despised and have complained about nonstop I walked out. I couldn’t take it any more. The fights. The moods I’d get in to because of work. The suicidal thoughts at work. The lack of appreciation. Hard as I tried, and though I’ve reformed the place I was being treated like I’d not done enough .. or well. This wasn’t a job I wanted. I’d taken it to help … and then got sucked in and stuck.

One fight too many and I walked out… I now go in on occasion when I’m needed… desperately.. even then I go in do what needs doing and walk out. being there brings back the stress… then negative sentiment… the misery..

For ages I was happy.. I spent 2-3 months confident of my ability to get a suitable job, I know for the past 5.5+ years I’ve been working in a different field to that I enjoy/have trained for/ want to work in.. but experience is experience and I should be able to transfer it. HOW WRONG WAS I? 100 job applications later I’ve been to 1 interview, received numerous rejections and even more replies of silence.

5 months on it’s getting to me. I can hardly get out of bed every day. I gave up my life for people and now have nothing. You may say I was stupid to do that, but I had no choice, you’d have done the same in the circumstances. And I expect the pressure of being unemployed (still) will increase from next week!

I don’t know what to do.

People are shocked that I’ve been so unsuccessful. I’ve had them check my applications/covering letter/CV. Made changes that have been suggested. Still nothing. I’ve applied for everything… relevant jobs to jobs to tied me over… and nothing..

Today’s been particularly hard because friends who’ve not been looking for jobs as long as I have started their new jobs… some after only 2 job applications. Others have been successful where I have failed even though I completed their application for them, their ideas my words and additions.

I feel thoroughly jinxed… I’m not important enough for the world to be out to get me.. but I believe in Karma.. I just cannot pinpoint where I have been so evil that I deserve this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel, but neither have I ever gone out of my way to upset/hurt people. In fact in the last 5 months of being unemployed I’ve filled my time with charity work including self-financed trips abroad to deliver humanitarian aid.

I am thankful for the position I have in the world.. in many way I’m truly fortunately. But in others I couldn’t be more jinxed!

I cannot take more of this and to be honest not sure how long I can hold out and keep applying.. I now read job descriptions and have the attitude ‘there’s no hope for me’ and don’t apply. My luck is so bad that I’ve contacted career services who haven’t helped me until I spent a month complaining about their service! My friend used the same service and got the help she requested almost immediately!

Honestly I’m despairing… I’ve lost hope…. and if I eat any more I may explode!

I’m back.. and miserable

I know you missed me… been away trying to get ‘bttr’ that worked great..

 

I know i suffer from S.A.D (seasonal affected disorder) so I have been a little better now spring and summer have come our way.. but tbh everything’s still there its just not as grim, so if i was 90% on the depression spectrum I’m now 85% so WOOOHOOO!

 

PAARRRTTTTTTTTEHHHHHHHH!!!

 

nothing changes and the mundane-ness of life is killing me… and the stress of everything is weighing me down

 

I decided to take up a charitable project… honestly today my only thought was …. i cant do it.. who cares if ppl die… i cant cope with the pressure…i took it on cuz I really do care about people and if I can help why shouldn’t i? but turns out a little stress and I collapse.

 

This is made worse by the fact that i seem to be gaining weight unbelievably, even though I feel I’ve cut down from loads of choco a day to none or spread the amount I’d eat in 1 day over 3-4…  NEVER weigh yourself.. so depressing.. since I did all ive wanted to do is eat cuz really no point..

 I seem useless at killing myself so may be death by excessive eating is the answer.. must move to the US and try a Heart Attack burger or something that may actually do it… my current way is slooooooow!

 

hope u guys r keeping well…. im gonna log off… i cant b bothered to even complain (yes things have got THAT bad!!!)

Suicides among middle-aged Americans jumps by 28%

Suicide rates are rising dramatically among middle-aged Americans, according to US government statistics, which showed a 28% spike from a decade ago in the number of people taking their own lives.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/10035367/Suicides-among-middle-aged-Americans-jumps-by-28.html

 

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said the figures show more people taking their own lives than dying in car accidents, and attribute the increase to the sharp rise in suicides among adults aged aged 35 to 64.

The number of Americans in that age range who took their own lives grew from 13.7 per 100,000 people in 1999, to 17.6 per 100,000 in 2010 – an alarming 28 percent increase, the agency said.

The rise was most dramatic among those in their 50s – the tail-end of the so-called “Baby Boomer” generation born after World War II – who saw a nearly 50 percent jump in suicides.

“Suicide is a tragedy that is far too common,” said CDC Director Tom Frieden.

“This report highlights the need to expand our knowledge of risk factors so we can build on prevention programs.”

 

In 2010, an average of nearly 18 out of every 100,000 people aged 35-64 died from suicide – four more than a decade earlier, the CDC said.

In 2010, motor vehicle accidents killed 33,687 people, while 38,364 died from suicide that year, according to the CDC, the government agency tasked with providing research and recommendations on US health and safety.

Among non-Hispanic whites and Native Americans, annual suicide rates leaped 40 percent and 65 percent, respectively.

Nearly three times as many men as women in this age group killed themselves: around 27 men compared to eight women per 100,000 in 2010.

And the CDC found that, while most suicides were committed with guns, the number of people dying from suffocation and hanging rose the fastest – by more than 80 percent – over the last decade.

Previous research and prevention efforts have focused on the young and the elderly, but the CDC said these programs should now be expanded to the middle-aged in light of the statistics.

“It is important for suicide prevention strategies to address the types of stressors that middle-aged Americans might be facing and that can contribute to suicide risk,” said Linda Degutis, director of the CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

Experts are not certain why suicide rates are increasing so markedly among middle-aged adults, but suggested that causes could include the economic crisis of recent years. Suicides have historically spiked in times of financial hardship.

The authors also noted that the increase in suicides among baby boomers in their 50s may be a quirk of their generation, as they also showed unusually high rates of suicide in their teenage years.

The research suggested that there is a need to focus suicide research and prevention efforts – traditionally geared toward youth and the elderly – to those in mid-life.

The CDC said that some of these suicide prevention strategies include improving social supports and increasing access to mental health and counseling services.

The agency said efforts could be stepped up to bolster programs for those with financial challenges, job loss, intimate partner problems or dealing with stress related to the caregiving of children or aging parents, or who suffer from substance abuse or chronic health problems.

Self-Harm in young on the rise says charity

An increasing number of young people in the UK are choosing to deliberately hurt themselves. This is according to children’s charities ChildLine, YouthNet and YoungMinds, as well as the webiste Selfharm.co.uk, which came together to raise awareness of the issue for Self-harm Awareness Day (1 March), BBC News reports.

The groups explained that not only are more teenagers self-harming, but that younger children are beginning to be affected by the issue.

It is hoped that by joining forces, the charities can reduce the stigma attached to self-harm and to dispel some of the myths that surround it.

The groups warned that children as young as ten have called helplines to say they have purposefully injured themselves, while around one in ten young people are believed to have hurt themselves at one point or another.

Paediatrician and television presenter Dr Ranj Singh said: “The problem is related to emotional distress and anguish and feelings of anxiety, pain and depression. A lot of that can be due to increasing societal pressure as a whole.”

 

http://www.bps.org.uk/news/self-harm-young-rise

Bleeding royalty

As a kid, after having a blood test, I was told I had a low platelet count. At the time in History class we were learning about the Tsar of Russia whose son was born with Hemophilia, I was convinced I had it too. The symptoms are similar, though I have to say mine weren’t quite as deadly or dramatic.

Hemophilia: is a group of hereditary genetic disorders that impair the body’s ability to control blood clotting or coagulation, which is used to stop bleeding when a blood vessel is broken. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haemophilia)

I appeared to have the watered down version (from what i understand.. but then I’m no Dr). If the number of platelets is too low, excessive bleeding can occur.

I’ve always had this problem, I get a small cut and it takes 20 mins or more to clot, it’s never bothered me, it’s been more a challenge of what shapes I can make with the blood… yes sickening but tru!

Later, once I’d done a First Aid Course and learnt that you had to wrap a wound and not change the dressing to encourage clotting I tried doing that, but adding dressing after dressing on to a finger is stifling and yes.. my fingers did look big in them!

In any case, when I found out, I was so happy, the Tsar’s son had a low life expectancy, and though it wasn’t wat eventually killed him, I had hope it would be the death of me. Unfortunately 17 years after this diagnosis and still with a low platelet count, I’m STILL here… BBBOOOOOOOO

and as I’m not royalty I don’t think I have sufficient enemies who’ll have me killed in my sleep.

If you’d like to brush up on your knowledge of history and read about the Tsar’s son: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexei_Nikolaevich,_Tsarevich_of_Russia

Charity received reports of domestic violence attacks from 13,500 people – 80% of them women – in 2012

Domestic violence figures are disturbingly high, says charity

When the emergency services arrived at Rebecca Beattie’s home, a trail of blood led to where she lay, battered, on the kitchen floor. A day after he had promised to kill her if she left him, her partner returned home to find her with friends – attacking them and then repeatedly punching and kicking the mother of his son as she lay at his feet.

“I remember having this overwhelming feeling that this was the end of my life, this was it, but then I thought of my son and decided it couldn’t be the end – I had to see him again,” she said. “Later they told me that in the ambulance I was wailing, ‘This is not my life’.”

The war against domestic violence was meant to have been won, with a 40% decline in incidents since 1995, according to the British Crime Survey. But, in worrying new figures, the charity Citizens Advice has reported a substantial increase in the number of people telling advisers they are victims.

The figures reveal that 13,500 people – 80% of them women – reported domestic violence to Citizens Advice last year. There were 3,300 reported incidents between October and December 2012, an 11% increase on the same period the previous year. Although the figures should be treated with a degree of caution – a spike in reports of domestic violence, often considered to be a hidden crime, can arise as women feel more able to report it – Citizens Advice is sufficiently concerned to open specialist services for victims in 10 of its UK offices.

“These figures for domestic violence cases show it is disturbingly high and afflicts all levels of society – it haunts the lives of too many women and children,” said Gillian Guy, Citizens Advice chief executive.

Calling on the prime minister to honour a promise made on International Women’s Day to tackle the problem, she added: “As the scale of government cuts start to bite, we are concerned that our trend highlights how levels of domestic violence could get even worse. We need to see the government doing everything it can to deal with the problems of violence against women in our society and ensure they get the support they need.”

According to Home Office figures, 1.2 million women experienced domestic abuse last year in the UK, including half a million victims of sexual assault.

There is a hidden epidemic of abuse undermining decades of progress in the women’s liberation movement, according to Holly Dustin of the End Violence Against Women coalition.

“These current scandals show that abuse of women and girls is still a massive problem for our society, that we are only just starting to grapple with. We need more than policy and procedures, we need nothing less than a revolution in the way we think about this, across every section of society,” she said.

New research from Women’s Aid and Refuge – the largest provider of accommodation for domestic violence victims – reveals that, despite high-profile campaigns, many women, particularly teenagers, do not know where to turn for help if they are being abused.

The organisations, backed by Avon which financed a survey of more than 2,000 UK women, found a third did not know where to seek support, while among 16- to 18-year-olds the figure rose to 50%. In the same age group, 62% of respondents were not sure if excessive jealousy was a sign of domestic violence, while 15% could not say if punching was domestic violence. A 2005 study from the NSPCC found 43% of teenage girls questioned believed that it was acceptable for a boyfriend to be aggressive towards his partner.

Claire, who is now 22, was abused by her boyfriend from the age of 15 but did not recognise that she was a victim of domestic abuse. At first he would undermine her confidence and call her names, hack into her emails and check her texts. Then came the physical abuse, relentless kicks and punches, always landing on areas of her body where bruising wouldn’t show.

“I didn’t think domestic violence happened to teenagers – I just thought it was something that happened to married couples,” she said. “I didn’t really know what a healthy relationship was, I suppose. I had nothing to compare it to.”

She firmly believes children should be taught about domestic violence. “I look back at all the pointless things I learned in school, and just think they could have taught me this one key thing. I think it would help so many people not get into bad relationships, but also stop people causing them.”

Joanne Wood, who was abused by her partner from the age of 16, was similarly unaware of what was happening to her, not recognising that being forced to have sex was wrong. “I’d cry every time and he would do certain positions so he didn’t have to see me cry,” she said. “He was my boyfriend so I didn’t think it could be rape.”

With only 15% of 16- to 18-year-olds getting knowledge of domestic violence from school, a total rethink of sex and relationship education was needed, said Sandra Horley, chief executive of Refuge. “Refuge and Women’s Aid are struggling to make a difference but we can’t do it on our own, we need proper government funding and commitment to get sex and healthy relationships education into every school in the UK,” she said.

She added that 50% of Refuge services had been hit by funding cuts since the introduction of austerity measures. “Finding a bed for an abused women is like gold dust,” she said. “These are worrying times for the domestic violence sector, services are being eroded so it is time to call for a sea change and argue that prevention is better than cure.” The Speaking Out in Her Name campaign from Refuge and Women’s Aid is calling for statutory relationships education, a move that has been blocked by the Department for Education, according to Stella Creasy, Labour MP for Walthamstow. “The government wants to leave it up to schools whether they teach children about relationships, but I can’t understand why in schools children will be guaranteed education about finance, but not about consent,” she said. “I am worried the government does not understand the true costs of that choice.”

A Department for Education spokesman said all schools were encouraged to provide a broad programme of sex and relationship education. “They must set an age-appropriate curriculum which best suits their pupils, and consult with parents when drawing up sex and relationship education policies,” he said.

Jeremy Browne, Home Office minister for crime prevention, said: “Domestic and sexual violence are dreadful crimes and we are serious about tackling the abuse suffered by women and girls across the country. Through our This is Abuse campaign, we have taken great strides in challenging unacceptable attitudes in teenage relationships and in helping teenagers to recognise abuse when they see it.”

He added that the government had ringfenced nearly £40m until 2015 to help fund domestic and sexual violence support services.

Rebecca, who was abused from the age of 17 until last year, is now 24. After the final attack left her needing reconstructive surgery on her face, her boyfriend pleaded guilty to assault and assault occasioning actual bodily harm and was jailed for 16 months. She specifically asked for her real name to be used in this article. “I want to show that I am not going to let him scare me any more; he’s not in control of my life,” she said. “I do feel safe now, I am protected – and I want other women to know you can leave an abusive relationship, there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2013/mar/07/domestic-violence-figures-citizens-advice

I want to run away….I wanna fly away….

Sing with me now!!!

Or don’t .. ur voice isn’t THAT good 😛

But yes I do… i cant take guilt.. so it’ll never happen.. plus im an adult ud think i cud just pick up sticks and just say: ‘I’m moving to the moon, visit me when u can’ and get up and go… alas.. my life isn’t like that.. this is wat wud happen for me:

in my head: ‘I wanna go to the moon, but i cannot go there with no job, it’d be irresponsible, plus I’d have to set up for a replacement at work, train him/her, get everyone/everything sorted, tie up loose ends, then I’d be able to leave.’ Then the guilt of having left my job, stressing about whether or not everything is OK.. guilt of leaving my family.. will they be OK.. have I let them down??? Are they disappointed in me?

Guilt eats me up… i literally want to scream… i feel so suffocated atm.. so much responsibility and I enjoy none of it.. and feel fulfilled by none of it.. and feel i don’t do enuf … i’m deffo not appreciated and let’s face it, I’m ALWAYS wrong!

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH